Last Time about My Depression

One more post about me then I will get back to silly and serious stuff that ain’t so personal.  I was going to wait and do this later in the week but since Ten Minute Freefall posted a fantastic post about my particular flavor of depression, I decided to go ahead and speak my peace and then shut up and move on.  

My father was a Gospel Minister who went to Crowley’s Ridge College in NE Arkansas.  He met my mom (a preacher’s kid) there, they got married and started their adventure before finishing school.  My dad preached in East MO (south of St Louis) near the river, in southern IL and lastly in western KY.  While preaching for a congregation outside of Paducah, KY, he became ill with Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS), which is degenerative muscle disorder.  It is usually a slow death (unless you get the type that starts in your lungs), in which your muscles slowly stop working until the heart or lungs give.  I was 4 and a half when he died.

The next ten years with my mother saw some good times and bad.  She had personal issues such as alcohol and depression.  She worked nights mostly, so I took care of myself a lot.  She tried to get help for her alcohol and found a lot in AA; but died in a car accident when I was 14 and a half.

I moved in with a wonderful Christian family from the congregation where my dad last preached who lived a mile up the road.  My life had some peace, structure, and a sense of normalcy from then on.  I have been blessed with two sets of parents.

In spite of all that, I have been greatly blessed.  I completed two Bachelor’s degrees, did misson work overseas, married a great woman, and have a great family.

People experience depression in different ways.  My symptoms were constant fatigue, lack of concentration, lack of motivation, some anxiety and sleep problems.  Read the link above to get a great description.  That made more sense to me than anything the doctors have said.  Stormy is a great writer.  I never really felt “sad” and definitely have not been suicidal.

Now I am realizing why I am anxious about making decision:  I had to make too many as a child while raising myself. 

I have learned that I struggle with discipline (no surprise) because of little structure or training as a child and that I am super critical of myself because my parent side developed by growing up too fast and raising myself.  That creates a nice cycle of irresponsibility followed by guilt.

I know that I have God’s Spirit to help me with self-control.

I know that I have God’s grace and mercy to deal with guilt and weaknesses.

I know that I have God’s Word and Spirit to help me in making decisions.

That is more about me than you wanted to know.  The only reason I haven’t shared this with many is that I can’t stand the sympathy/pity I often get.  The look on people’s faces when I talk about the death of my parents is too annoying.

Please do not tell me how sorry you are, or how sad it is, or whatever.  Give God some credit.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or need help.  Otherwise, I will continue my healing and growth in a less public forum.  Thanks for reading.


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