Headlines: offensive edition

North Korea warns of “all-out war” (cnn.com)

Uh-Oh!  Nothing good can come out of this.  Except possibly a M.A.S.H remake starring Hugh Laurie as Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce.  Wouldn’t that be awesome!

‘Top Hat’ reaches Gulf oil leak site (cnn.com)

Ahh, the benefit concerts have already started. I love “Slow Ride.”  What a great classic rock anthem by Top Hat!

Man kills woman, self at Target store (cnn.com)

How sadly ironic that in a store that sells targets this man chose to shoot his ex-girlfriend instead.

Mexican prison warden dismembered (cnn.com)

Maybe he forgot to pay his membership fee.  I guess it’s like a union or something.  That’s such a tough job, he’s better off without it.

U.S. Rallies over Turkey (cnn.com)

Well, I have heard of many motivational methods, but turkey…that’s a new one.  I am surprised that all the tryptophan didn’t actually hinder their performance.

‘Different Strokes’ star Gary Coleman dies (abc.com)

“Whatchoo talkinbout abc.com!!??

Agatha kills dozens in Guatemala (cnn.com)

I really thought Agatha Christie was dead already, but she must be in her 90s.  You would think these Guatemalans would be able to fight her off.  They must be a bunch of pansies.

Church to picket rocker’s memorial (cnn.com)

Are these racist, hate-mongering pseudo-christians now against rocking chairs?!? What will be the end of this madness?  Does Reverend Nutjob and his family torch Cracker Barrels and yell at old people swinging on their porches?

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New Bibles Available Soon!

(This is what a trip to the Bible bookstore does to me.)

Get Rich Quick Bible

God wants you to be rich and this Bible shows you how in 15 easy steps!  Being poor is a bore!  You gotta name it and claim it.  God wants you in that Mercedes and McMansion and only your weak faith stands in the way.

Joel Osteen Study Bible

Joel’s smiley mug is on the cover!  A smiley face marks all three of the significant passages that Osteen preaches from. You won’t be able to help but smile, be a good person, and be happy after reading this.  987 pages (10 pages of Bible, 977 of Joel’s uplifting articles).

Democrat Bible (Blue Letter Edition)

Words of Christ in BLUE!  This Bible emphasize all the social issues so important to the Democrat Party. Passages about the evils of judging are marked with a donkey. Articles by Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, and the Clintons.

Republican-American Bible

From the gun-toting, flag-waving Elephant on the cover to the Voter Instruction Guide after the maps, this new Bible will keep you faithful and help you to save America from the liberals.  Removes all the same passages that Thomas Jefferson removed from his Bible.  Articles by Limbaugh, Donald Wildmon, Pat Buchanan, and Glen Beck.

Cheap Grace Bible

No mention of commands, requirements, expectations at all!  This lovely Bible is NT only (making it lighter to carry) and leaves out any teaching on discipleship or judgment.  Enjoy the blessings of God with none of the guilt-inducing statements about Holy Living.  It comes with a rubber binding and no sharp edges for your safety.  You won’t even have to worry about paper cuts with this Bible thanks to thicker than average paper.

Arminian-Charismatic-Gay-Green Party Montana-Born Study Bible

The perfect Bible for that unique blend that is so hard to shop for.

Baptist/Church of Christ Marriage Bible

For those mixed denomination couples that are tired of arguing.  This Bible only contains the passages you agree upon, except for Ephesians 5, which is included.  Removes any condemnation of instrumental music-you won’t even notice it’s gone!

The Emergent Bible

Contains only blank pages so you can become part of God’s conversation!

What new Bibles are you aware of?

Thoughts on the Lost Finale and Faith-Not Really Spoilerish

(EW’s Ken Tucker has a good review of the Finale, pointing out “christian” themes present.)

While risking being a cliche’ emergent, postmod making applications from pop culture to Faith, I am gonna share a thought anyway:

The big debate will rage on about whether the Lost finale was great, adequate, or disappointing.  There are really two groups, though, and they represent two mindsets that we also find in church.

One group wants answers.  They want the mysteries revealed.  They want resolution for the Numbers, infertility, etc. and etc.  This group wasn’t going to be content with anything but answers.

The second group, in which I find myself, became at some point more interested in the characters.  We wanted some closure.  We got a happy, if yet still confusing, ending.  I liked it.  I am content.  I enjoyed it.  I am “moving on” as they characters did.

In my recent faith journey, I have become less interested in answers.  I tired of long, back and forth discussions on Biblical topics about things which are mysteries and God really hasn’t revealed.  I am not certain and yet totally unconcerned about the end times: what exactly happens when we die, until the resurrection, the judgment and eternity.  I honestly don’t care.  It’s gonna be great for the children of God and bad for everyone else.

There is a lot of mystery involved with God, and we don’t like it.  We don’t want Mystery, we want answers. Well, God has given us some answers but there will always remain some mystery, maybe even throughout eternity.

This desire for answers, which is a personality/mentality in many, causes us to create charts and complex doctrines.  Preachers feel obligated to have a response to any question, whether it’s a good, Biblical answer or not.  I prefer to be honest and say, “I really don’t know, it could be either.”

I am losing interest in this way of Faith.  I am not denying Truth, or trying to get away from it.  There are plenty of things plainly revealed in the Word.  But I am learning to become content with some mystery, even ambiguity in my life and my Faith.

I am also reading and studying Ecclesiastes.  Gary Holloway has a great quote in his great book, “You can’t find the Meaning of Life by seeking the Meaning of Life.”  What he means is this: it’s about God.

At the same time I am trying to be more concerned with relationships.  Yeah, it’s a balance.  You can’t sacrifice Truth for the sake of relationships.

Where do you fit in?  Whether as a Lost fan or a Christian?

Are you more concerned in getting answers or in relationships.

Sure, I am making some generalizations, and getting close to stereotypes, but work with me.