New Bibles Available Soon!

(This is what a trip to the Bible bookstore does to me.)

Get Rich Quick Bible

God wants you to be rich and this Bible shows you how in 15 easy steps!  Being poor is a bore!  You gotta name it and claim it.  God wants you in that Mercedes and McMansion and only your weak faith stands in the way.

Joel Osteen Study Bible

Joel’s smiley mug is on the cover!  A smiley face marks all three of the significant passages that Osteen preaches from. You won’t be able to help but smile, be a good person, and be happy after reading this.  987 pages (10 pages of Bible, 977 of Joel’s uplifting articles).

Democrat Bible (Blue Letter Edition)

Words of Christ in BLUE!  This Bible emphasize all the social issues so important to the Democrat Party. Passages about the evils of judging are marked with a donkey. Articles by Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, and the Clintons.

Republican-American Bible

From the gun-toting, flag-waving Elephant on the cover to the Voter Instruction Guide after the maps, this new Bible will keep you faithful and help you to save America from the liberals.  Removes all the same passages that Thomas Jefferson removed from his Bible.  Articles by Limbaugh, Donald Wildmon, Pat Buchanan, and Glen Beck.

Cheap Grace Bible

No mention of commands, requirements, expectations at all!  This lovely Bible is NT only (making it lighter to carry) and leaves out any teaching on discipleship or judgment.  Enjoy the blessings of God with none of the guilt-inducing statements about Holy Living.  It comes with a rubber binding and no sharp edges for your safety.  You won’t even have to worry about paper cuts with this Bible thanks to thicker than average paper.

Arminian-Charismatic-Gay-Green Party Montana-Born Study Bible

The perfect Bible for that unique blend that is so hard to shop for.

Baptist/Church of Christ Marriage Bible

For those mixed denomination couples that are tired of arguing.  This Bible only contains the passages you agree upon, except for Ephesians 5, which is included.  Removes any condemnation of instrumental music-you won’t even notice it’s gone!

The Emergent Bible

Contains only blank pages so you can become part of God’s conversation!

What new Bibles are you aware of?

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15 thoughts on “New Bibles Available Soon!

  1. OK, you inspired me. I spent some time looking at the latest upload of the Conservative Bible Project.

    Oh
    …my
    ……goodness!

    Takes some audacity to say, “Let’s rewrite the Bible and make it say what we ant it to say.”

    Grace and peace,
    Tim Archer

  2. Brian,
    You are one awesome writer! You really need to publish a book. My favorites are the Democrat Study Bible, the Cheap-Grace Bible, and the Emrgent Bible! All so true! Who was it that said there is a fine line between comedy and tragedy?

  3. When purchasing the Bible of their choice, Christian bookstore shoppers should also get a pack of Testamints. Especially-biblical for believers with hellatosis.

  4. Pingback: Pilgrim’s Map of the Day | as i travel thru ThisPilgrimLand

  5. John Armstrong

    Late to the party here, but I can’t resist.

    But Tim…don’t you realize that most translations of the Bible (KJV excluded of course) were done by people with a *gasp* LIBERAL BIAS???

    /sarcasm

    I thought the same thing you thought about rewriting the Bible to make it say what they want it to say…but also found it ironic that they at the same time accuse others of doing the same thing.

  6. Cynical Jen

    How about a version called, “The Bible Jesus Read,” in the original Elizabethan language and italics applied to all the passages that Jesus emphasized to the original disciples and a special section indexing the scriptures women are supposed to read and the ones they are to ask their husbands about.

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