Headlines: offensive edition

North Korea warns of “all-out war” (cnn.com)

Uh-Oh!  Nothing good can come out of this.  Except possibly a M.A.S.H remake starring Hugh Laurie as Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce.  Wouldn’t that be awesome!

‘Top Hat’ reaches Gulf oil leak site (cnn.com)

Ahh, the benefit concerts have already started. I love “Slow Ride.”  What a great classic rock anthem by Top Hat!

Man kills woman, self at Target store (cnn.com)

How sadly ironic that in a store that sells targets this man chose to shoot his ex-girlfriend instead.

Mexican prison warden dismembered (cnn.com)

Maybe he forgot to pay his membership fee.  I guess it’s like a union or something.  That’s such a tough job, he’s better off without it.

U.S. Rallies over Turkey (cnn.com)

Well, I have heard of many motivational methods, but turkey…that’s a new one.  I am surprised that all the tryptophan didn’t actually hinder their performance.

‘Different Strokes’ star Gary Coleman dies (abc.com)

“Whatchoo talkinbout abc.com!!??

Agatha kills dozens in Guatemala (cnn.com)

I really thought Agatha Christie was dead already, but she must be in her 90s.  You would think these Guatemalans would be able to fight her off.  They must be a bunch of pansies.

Church to picket rocker’s memorial (cnn.com)

Are these racist, hate-mongering pseudo-christians now against rocking chairs?!? What will be the end of this madness?  Does Reverend Nutjob and his family torch Cracker Barrels and yell at old people swinging on their porches?

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