Support New Bill in Congress

Bill H.CON.RES.238 is now in the House and would require all American citizens to be baptized for the forgiveness of sins when then reach age 13.

The “Baptism Bill” has undergone numerous revisions but the final one is the result of six Church of Christ ministers from the Bible Belt.

“This is a Christian Nation and God’s principles must be observed,” says Memphis Evangelist Flavil Stone Campbell. He then added, “If God only wanted us to preach the Gospel and pray, He would not have blessed us with a Democratic Christian Nation.”

The group has been working tirelessly to legislate the Word of God and restore Christianity to its prominence in America.

Preacher Scotty Walt of Nashville explained their plan: “As soon as the Baptism Bill passes, we will move on to the Marriage Amendment, then on to codifying adultery, then all types of fornication.  Once our influence and power is fully established, we will move on to more pressing matters such as the use of instruments in church services.”

“The most difficult part was coming to agreement on the ‘age of accountability,’ but in the end we just averaged everyone’s speculation to get age 13,” said Minister Foy Dobson III, who resides in Texas.

Families will have 60 days to fulfill this law before a $500 fine will be imposed.  Fines will increase each month afterward.  If a child reaches his/her 14th birthday without obeying the law, prison terms begin at six months to a year.

The preachers managed to get rid of language concerning the Holy Spirit and the preachers who proposed it.  After much internal debate, the brothers suggesting that it be included gave up and left the deliberations.

“We must take our country back from the Liberals, the Democrats, Denominations, and Muslims,” Dobson continued.

The other ministers could not be reached since they have been spending so much time in Washington that their respective congregations dissolved.

Some of the details of the proposed bill include:

  • It must be done by an approved Church of Christ minister in an approved Church of Christ building in an approved baptistry.
  • The words “for the remission of sins” must be spoken above the candidate.
  • The minister must have one hand raised as he speaks.
  • The entire body of the candidate must be immersed.
  • Anyone in attendance may say, “Amen,” but may not applaud.
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8 thoughts on “Support New Bill in Congress

  1. brian

    thanks, jeanne, i thought about sending it out as an email hoax to see how many would believe it

  2. I love your creativity and wild sense of humor. Of course I understand that this story is entirely true!

    I just learned that the next president of the Southern Baptist Convention will be the anti-Christ.

  3. nick gill

    Frank, that’s why we don’t have instant replay in the church! Video is an unauthorized addition to the service.

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