Church Seeking Minister

Position:  Christ’s Vicar on Earth

1.13 billion member church seeking dynamic preacher, well-versed in many languages, to lead a diverse congregation of believers.

Asians, Africans, Latin Americans need not apply.

Benefits:

  • 110 acre property and salary commensurate with experience and education
  • Vehicle with bullet-proof plexiglass bubble
  • Snazzy hats and robes
  • Jewelry

An Ideal Candidate will have these qualities:

  • Must be Single
  • Well grounded in God’s Word, SOUND
  • Participates and attends church functions
  • Works with and supports our youth/campus minister
  • Ability to show empathy and compassion toward others
  • Able to move easily among dignitarys, Kings, and presidents.
  • Willing to teach Bible classes and conduct Bible studies
  • Shows compassion to members in time of grief and despair
  • Must know Latin
  • Willing to preach God’s Word in truth and love in a way that is applicable to everyday life
  • Friendly to all
  • Relates well to youth
  • Motivates self and others
  • Organizes work efficiently
  • Appreciation of art is a plus
  • Makes decisions based on Bible and wisdom
  • Neither too conservative nor too liberal
  • Good public speaking skills
  • Preferably European, but not American
  • Effective in personal evangelism and encouraging to all
  • Never molested young boys
  • Genuine desire to work well with all church employees
  • Desire to be a good citizen of our community
  • Education, training and experience
  • Minister who can hold the line on preaching the Gospel without addition or subtraction
  • Preferable at least 5 years experience as a full time Vicar
  • Experienced is working with families and couples
  • Experienced in developing Gospel teachers and leaders
  • Able to effectively teach as well as preach the Gospel
  • Must be humble and approachable
  • Possess good communication and writing skills. Able to develop own lessons, lesson outlines, etc.
  • Formal Bible training is preferred

All applicants must submit an application to the conclave of Cardinals, Vatican City, Rome, Italy.

Paul’s Lost Letter to the Roman Citizens

Peace and Grace in the name of Jesus Christ and in honor of Caesar.

I, Paul, Apostle, citizen of Heaven and Rome, praise God for you each day and the blessings we enjoy as citizens of the Great Empire.

I urge you, brethren, to spread the good news of Jesus as you go about spreading the good news of the Greek culture. You have such a great advantage of many over our brothers and sisters who are only citizens of the Heavenly Kingdom.  We must serve the Lord with everything we have, using every blessing to please Him.

Jesus Christ, our Savior, has blessed us so that we will not have to suffer the crucifixion as He did and as some of our brethren do.  But this is only the greatest of rights we have as citizens of the greatest military, economic, and cultural empire that God has seen fit to establish.

As you know, we must get the Flavians out of Rome.  They have continued their policy of pagan idolatry, lasciviousness, debauchery, and greed.  Those who don’t have the privilege and rights of citizenship in the empire have their hands tied so it is up to us to make a change.  While they are praying and taking care of the poor, we will be working to get our dear brother Erastus into the Senate as soon as possible.  Only then can we effect the change in this Empire that the Father wants.

Thanks be to God for the family of Zealots I converted in Jericho.  The love the Lord and are keeping their knives sharp.

The Lord has also blessed us with a wonderful offering that can be used to bribe various officials into looking the other way as we practice our faith.  The drachmas were collected for the poor, starving brethren in Jerusalem, but we know that this is truly God’s Will and supersedes mere physical needs.  Please be in prayer for those in Jerusalem.

Greet Mittius Romneus and the brethren.  I hope to see you all soon so that we may have a special assembly to sing hymns to Caesar and Fly the Eagle Banner together.

Critique of Peter’s Sermon in Acts 2

Some consider Peter’s sermon on the day of Pentecost to be among greatest sermons ever (not preached by Jesus).  But let’s take a closer look.

The intro is a little weak.  The joke about “they aren’t drunk” is not that funny.  Peter really doesn’t have a good illustration, joke, attention grabber at the beginning.

His points?  Well, I don’t think we can say there are three of them.  Maybe his main point is “Jesus is Lord and Christ” and the sub-point is that God chose Him and His Resurrection.  By counting the main plus the subs, we get three but it’s not really a three point sermon. They are not parallel or successive.  Worst of ALL, no alliteration!!

There is no humor.

There are only two Scriptures used. I don’t know if we can call that a “Gospel” sermon with only two Bible references.

His closing is a bit abrupt.  There really isn’t the proper development and buildup for his conclusion.

The worst and most glaring error is that he doesn’t even give the “Plan of Salvation!” WHAT?  He only mentions 2 of the 5 steps ordained by God.  How can all those baptisms count when those people didn’t hear the full Plan?!?!

He also neglects to point out any of the distinctives of the One True Church (OTC).

I think Peter needs to do some reading on homiletics, read the Spiritual Sword, and then come back and try again.

I give him a C- for his sermon on the day of Pentecost.

A Fellowship Tragedy

It happened at Wal-Mart.

Jenny Mae was in the check-out line.  She saw a young lady from church named Denise looking at the books and magazines.  She assumed she was looking at Vogue or Cosmo, but it turned out to be much more serious than that.

Jenny was too far away to greet her and didn’t want to yell but decided to go in the opposite direction from the exit she needed to say hello.  But as she approached, she saw something that stopped her in her tracks.

Denise had picked up a Max Lucado book and was thumbing through it.  Jenny Mae was shocked, confounded, and quickly turned around and hurried out the door.  Luckily she had the cell phone her daughter had given her.

Back in the store, Denise put down the offending volume, and picked up the latest Vogue and headed to the check-out line.  She had no idea of what would happen next.

Jenny Mae quickly called her preacher and set the ball rolling.

TO BE CONTINUED…………

Levels of Lostness*

*Uncovered behind the tract-rack in a small Texas Church of Christ was this official Church of Christ(c) chart distinguishing various levels of being lost depending on one’s acts and beliefs.  The author’s name was missing but this tiny church has a storied history among Restoration Movement giants.  It seems that 100 is actually the worst, and 0.0 would be someone perfectly saved.

0.5          Dead Church of Christ members who attended every service, never used instruments, rejected Pre-Mill, never divorced, and condemned the sects regularly.

5.0          Living Church of Christ members who never used instruments, reject Pre-Mill, never divorced, and condemn the sects regularly. (of course, we ain’t sure if they are saved or not, but pretty likely)

10.0          Living Church of Christ members who used to be a part of a sect but converted after rejecting their denomination.

15.0         Living Church of Christ members who used to believe in Pre-Mill and don’t attend Mid-week Bible Study.

18.5      Church of Christ members who only attend Sunday morning.

20.0      Church of Christ members who use the American Standard of 1901 instead of the KJV.

25.0      Church of Christ members who have been divorced.

30.0      Catholics

35.0      Church of Christ members who attended Harding or DLU.

40.0      Penny-costals and any Church of Christ member who ever moved during a hymn or cried during a sermon.

50.0      Hindus and Buddhists

65.0      Church of Christ members who attended Pepperdine or ACU.

70.0     Community Church Members.

80.0      Child Molesters, Muslims, Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, clappers.

85.3       Church of Christ members whose church changed the Biblical name to a non-scriptural name.

87.4      Rick Warren, Presbyterians, Churches that employ small groups.

90.0      Rubel Shelley, Murderers, Church of Christ members who think Instrumental Music is okay.

92.5       Church of Christ members who listen to Joel Osteen Sunday morning while getting ready.

95.0       Democrats and people who have never heard the gospel.

100.0    Max Lucado, Baptists, churches who use praise teams, NIV users