I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause..

…then mom and dad were divorced within 4 months.

Santa was an okay Step-Dad. He did lay around the house alot drinking egg nogg the 363 or so days he didn’t work but I always got good presents for Christmas.

The worst part was that he kept custody of all the elves, all the step-siblings were annoying.

The other worst part was the time Dad and Ms. Claus spent a weekend together in Vegas, pretty much for revenge.

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Me and David Letterman

Maybe it was 5th grade. I was 10-11 years old. Our local affiliate was NBC and maybe it was during the annual telethon but I got a grey “Late Night with David Letterman” T-shirt that I loved. I wish I still had it. I was with my mom and maybe we bought two.

I remember a girl picking on me in 6th grade, while in lunchroom for my Letterman t-shirt. By the next year, when we were all in middle school, she and everyone else thought it was cool.

I had, let’s call it an “unusual” childhood. What I mean is that I watched Late Night with David Letterman when I was in elementary school. It was probably mostly in Summer time, but it wouldn’t surprise me if we also watched it during the school year, and more than Friday nights. Staying up late watching TV and/or movies with my mom was common.

I remember the dancing waters, the grumpy clown smoking his cigar, the Top 10 lists. Dave’s goofy grin, the way he played with his suit coat, Chris Elliot, Larry “Bud” Melman, dropping watermelons and TVs and whatever else off of the top of a building. It was always fun and funny.

I, too, wanted to be David Letterman.

Admittedly the last few times I watched was because of insomnia and I was also trying to make it all the way to hear at least Craig Ferguson’s monologue, but he’s still good. And that’s been a few years.

I am a nostalgic kind of guy. I listen to Nirvana’s Unplugged every year on the anniversary of Cobain’s death. I remember Reggie Lewis, Nintendo, and MTV fondly.

I am nostalgic about this (totally non-important) pop culture milestone.

Sweet Recent Tweets O’ Mine

Had cereal and cheese danish for dinner. Because I care about my body. Mainly the mouth/tongue/stomache part of my body.

Going up to a stranger who has an eye-patch and speaking “pirate” is apparently not “appropriate”

Had a Dr Pepper infused coffee yesterday. Let’s just say next time I would prefer them sequentially instead of concurrently

Confession: I was totally thinking about my team while my daughter was explaining a new variation to Uno she created

If the terrorists have taken down , I may become pro-terrorists

I am not so much concerned about my sin (sins) as I am my sinfulness.

Don’t judge me for eating BBQ chips at 9am, I’ve been awake for 3 hours, this is brunch

I love to eat/drink anything Mango flavored except an actual mango

Do you give Sonic carhops a tip? I mean, on roller skates, with physics or something, they barely have to work…

Fancy touch-screen soda machines are all fine & good until you get an error prompt and have to call the GeekSquad to get a Vanilla Dr Pepper

If anyone knows how to get a 10yo to stop talking about Legos, Star Wars, Lego Star Wars, and Lego Star Wars video games, pls text!!

A non-conformist is like a laid-back, apathetic rebel

If you are tempted to cuss because of tiny cardboard boxes, you might be a grocery stocker

Here! *tosses man card. I am uber-stoked about the Jamie Foxx/Cameron Diaz remake

Has an uglier man had sex with more women than Mick Jagger? And can we create a quotient?

If we have muffin tops for sale, why not Cinnamon Roll Hearts?

May I never have to choose between the middle-aged lady at work who calls me “doll” and the older lady at work who calls me “baby”

Can you really trust your reason/intellect that much more than your emotions?

Band Name Suggestions

In case any of you are thinking about starting a rock and roll band and need a good name, I came up with a few. Just remember me when you are rich and famous.

  • Pickle Me Elmo
  • 7m10s (Guns N Roses fans will get this one, probably. Hint: November Rain)
  • Cobain’s Migraine
  • Unconditional Hatred
  • Satan’s Got Syphilis
  • Zombie Puppies
  • Weasel Sluts
  • The Colossal Midgets
  • The Flaming Hedbergs
  • Dudebags
  • The Huxtables
  • Anhedonia, USA
  • Silky Ahmadinejads
  • The Fallonites

What else can you come up with?

Miley Cyrus’ New Album

Based on her meteoric rise in the public consciousness in 2013, Ms. Cyrus plans an cover album of pop hits from the 60s, 70s, and 80s.

Included on the album:

  • We can Twerk it out (Beatles)
  • She Twerks hard for the Money (Donna Summers)
  • Twerkin’ for the Weekend (Loverboy)
  • Whistle while you Twerk (Snow White)
  • Twerkin’ 9 to 5 (Dolly Parton)
  • Twerkin’ Class Hero (John Lennon)
  • I’ve been Twerkin’ on the Railroad (American Folk song)
  • Twerkin’ for a Livin’ (Huey Lewis and the News)