I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause..

…then mom and dad were divorced within 4 months.

Santa was an okay Step-Dad. He did lay around the house alot drinking egg nogg the 363 or so days he didn’t work but I always got good presents for Christmas.

The worst part was that he kept custody of all the elves, all the step-siblings were annoying.

The other worst part was the time Dad and Ms. Claus spent a weekend together in Vegas, pretty much for revenge.

Sweet Recent Tweets O’ Mine

Had cereal and cheese danish for dinner. Because I care about my body. Mainly the mouth/tongue/stomache part of my body.

Going up to a stranger who has an eye-patch and speaking “pirate” is apparently not “appropriate”

Had a Dr Pepper infused coffee yesterday. Let’s just say next time I would prefer them sequentially instead of concurrently

Confession: I was totally thinking about my team while my daughter was explaining a new variation to Uno she created

If the terrorists have taken down , I may become pro-terrorists

I am not so much concerned about my sin (sins) as I am my sinfulness.

Don’t judge me for eating BBQ chips at 9am, I’ve been awake for 3 hours, this is brunch

I love to eat/drink anything Mango flavored except an actual mango

Do you give Sonic carhops a tip? I mean, on roller skates, with physics or something, they barely have to work…

Fancy touch-screen soda machines are all fine & good until you get an error prompt and have to call the GeekSquad to get a Vanilla Dr Pepper

If anyone knows how to get a 10yo to stop talking about Legos, Star Wars, Lego Star Wars, and Lego Star Wars video games, pls text!!

A non-conformist is like a laid-back, apathetic rebel

If you are tempted to cuss because of tiny cardboard boxes, you might be a grocery stocker

Here! *tosses man card. I am uber-stoked about the Jamie Foxx/Cameron Diaz remake

Has an uglier man had sex with more women than Mick Jagger? And can we create a quotient?

If we have muffin tops for sale, why not Cinnamon Roll Hearts?

May I never have to choose between the middle-aged lady at work who calls me “doll” and the older lady at work who calls me “baby”

Can you really trust your reason/intellect that much more than your emotions?

Band Name Suggestions

In case any of you are thinking about starting a rock and roll band and need a good name, I came up with a few. Just remember me when you are rich and famous.

  • Pickle Me Elmo
  • 7m10s (Guns N Roses fans will get this one, probably. Hint: November Rain)
  • Cobain’s Migraine
  • Unconditional Hatred
  • Satan’s Got Syphilis
  • Zombie Puppies
  • Weasel Sluts
  • The Colossal Midgets
  • The Flaming Hedbergs
  • Dudebags
  • The Huxtables
  • Anhedonia, USA
  • Silky Ahmadinejads
  • The Fallonites

What else can you come up with?

Greatest Twits. #narcissism #ICYMI

Just because it’s my blog and for fun, here are some of my personal favorite tweets from the last few months.  (context in parenthesis when necessary)

October

I’ve yet to figure out if my goldendoodle is a narcissist, a full-fledged psychopath, or simply an extrovert
So, it’s just a matter of time until Brittany Spears and Miley Cyrus are dating…on a Reality TV show, right? We’re like 14-18 months away

#DearCongress , Not really surprised, I had already lost faith in you when you allowed an American remake of #Oldboy

Someday, I hope to have the kind of loving relationship with my wife, that she has with our goldendoodle. #puppylove

September

Does anyone else picture Bobcat Goldthwaite when you hear Eddie Vedder sing? Or just really miss Bobcat Goldthwaite? (before I saw him in the Robin Williams Snickers Commercial)

So, there’s a new show called “dads” about annoying/overbearing dads, and a new show called “moms” about annoying/overbearing moms? #sigh

Newschannel 5 anchorwoman dressed like she graduated from Prof Xavier’s School for Gifted Mutants #nashville (funky leather)

“Keep it real, bro.” -Carl Rogers

Buying gas in 2013 is like gambling. Do I fill up in case it jumps 20 cents or only put in $5, hoping it drops. #Syria

August

some days I feel like an artist trapped in a scientist’s brain & other days I just put Stevie Ray Vaughn’s “Little Wing” on repeat & all is okay

My wife just made me kill a spider instead of doing it for me #toughlove

Because of my growing hatred of mosquitos, I may have to change my long-held position on spiders. #enemyofmyenemyismyfriend

HEY, #Falloutboy, keep your stupid songs out of my dark/business. Thank you.

When I listen to “Hail to the King” by #AvengedSevenfold, I pretend they are a #Christian rock band, at least during the chorus

My neighbors are going to think I am a devoted Catholic: my bug checking/swatting routine closely resembles the “sign of the cross”

I put “exercise” in my daily planner, but added an “?” to give myself an out.

Why do we have a marriage problem in this country? People freak out about a 2-yr #commitment to THEIR PHONE!!

Why does so much of current rock sound like Nine Inch Nails shattered into a 100 tiny pieces?

Had a great time at a family reunion today. Of course, it wasn’t my family, so there’s that

My kids have been constantly sharpening pencils on electric sharpener; thinking about how old I would be when I got out of prison…

you can follow, ya know, if you want to: @briannicklaus