Working in retail has taught me many things…..one of them is: there are a LOT of really bad Christmas songs out there.
Whether it’s inane lyrics, miserable remakes of classics, or depressing themes, we need to get rid of a few thousand tunes.
Here’s my list of the worst in descending order:
10. Christmas Shoes: depressing, schmaltzy, emotionally manipulative. Don’t like it. But I don’t like the banter on K-Love and most Christian radio either. And I don’t watch many Hallmark/Lifetime/Ion Holiday movies either.
9 Christmas is the time to say “I love you”: Billy Squier? Really? Billy Corgan also has a holiday tune. I am waiting for the all-satanist Christmas album staring Judas Priest and Marilyn Manson singing about baby Jesus. Listen, just because you are a recording artist does NOT mean you should record a Christmas song/album. Do we want Slipknot singing “Little Drummer Boy?” An Avenged Sevenfold version of “Mary, Did You Know?” I think not.
8. Little St Nick by the Beach Boys: Love the Beach Boys but they don’t get a free pass. “Christmas comes each time this year….” That’s a lyric someone actually wrote. It sounds like every other song they sang. Remakes of this are even worse.
7. Any version of “All I want for Christmas is You” that doesn’t involve Mariah Carey: Okay, not a huge Mariah fan but this is the only version I can handle and hearing it more than 2 in a day is too much. Let’s stop recording this, please!
6. 99.9% of Christmas songs written and recorded after 1970. See, I am not a Grinch, it’s just I have music taste. Nat King Cole? Bing Crosby? Brenda Lee? Yes, Yes, Yes! We just don’t need any more.
5. “Mele Kalikimaka (The Hawaiian Christmas Song)” No offense to Hawaii.
4. Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? Catchy 80s music but too depressing. Grateful for all the people fed and helped though. If this were a list of top Philanthropic Christmas Songs it would be in the top 5.
3. I knew there were at least 10. Santa Forever featuring Mia Crosby deserves to be on the list. Maybe it’s not terrible, just repetitive. And when you hear it over and over it’s rough.
2. Last Christmas. WHAM/George Michael. What a sad song. Someone needs to give this young man some dating advice. Maybe you shouldn’t give your heart away so freely to some skank. And you are going to try again this year?!?! Whoah! Slow Down. Be careful! Maybe you could just give her an iTunes gift card first and see how it goes. Ease your way through Valentine’s Day with some chocolates. Save your heart until you know her better, and are more certain she will reciprocate. (best if read in Mitch Hedberg voice)
1. This last one hurts me, but “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney. Maybe if it had been written by Melissa McCarthy this would have been acceptable. Sir Paul has given us so much music magic and then this. It’s hard for me to even comprehend how this could have come from a Beatle. I expect more even from Ringo. I prefer to believe it was written by Linda and he felt sorry for her and claimed it was his own creation just so it might be recorded and be accepted. But even a pop icon doesn’t get a free pass for this repetitive, psychosis-inducing ditty.