Thank you, God, for Guns!

“Our Father in Heaven,

Of all the God-given rights we enjoy as Americans, one of my favorites may just be GUNS!!  Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

Father, I like to have scripture engraved on all of mine to honor You.  My favorite is “Thou shalt not steal” from Exodus 20:15.  I want to be able to read it to the loser who tries to steal my wallet or my car (which are also God-given blessings, thanks) right before I pop a cap in his ugly face.

Help me, O God, to defend my blessings and family, which I am also grateful for.  While you and Jesus take care and protect me spiritually, I will be sure to take care of my family with my guns.  Really, it frees you up to do other things, like get the bad guys in other countries and bless the NRA.

I promise to only use my guns when necessary, when someone REALLY makes me angry or endangers my life, my family or my possessions.  Lord, I only get angry about a few things like immigrants taking American jobs, the government taking Americans’ guns, people who don’t love guns….you know….people who don’t love America.  I am sure you understand.

As your good book says, “better them than me” and “the way of the Cross is self-defense.”

I thank you for the freedom you gave Americans.  And I know you never want that freedom to be taken away.

So, again, Father, I thank you for my guns.  I thank you for allowing me to stash over 4,000 rounds inside of my walls and in the shelter for when that time comes. I thank you for the beautiful diversity of automatic and semi-automatic weapons you have blessed mankind to create.

I thank you for the great forefathers such as Brothers Gatling, Smith, Wesson, Colt, and Browning.  May they rest in peace.

Lord, Jesus, Praise Your Name and thank you for guns!”

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Levels of Lostness*

*Uncovered behind the tract-rack in a small Texas Church of Christ was this official Church of Christ(c) chart distinguishing various levels of being lost depending on one’s acts and beliefs.  The author’s name was missing but this tiny church has a storied history among Restoration Movement giants.  It seems that 100 is actually the worst, and 0.0 would be someone perfectly saved.

0.5          Dead Church of Christ members who attended every service, never used instruments, rejected Pre-Mill, never divorced, and condemned the sects regularly.

5.0          Living Church of Christ members who never used instruments, reject Pre-Mill, never divorced, and condemn the sects regularly. (of course, we ain’t sure if they are saved or not, but pretty likely)

10.0          Living Church of Christ members who used to be a part of a sect but converted after rejecting their denomination.

15.0         Living Church of Christ members who used to believe in Pre-Mill and don’t attend Mid-week Bible Study.

18.5      Church of Christ members who only attend Sunday morning.

20.0      Church of Christ members who use the American Standard of 1901 instead of the KJV.

25.0      Church of Christ members who have been divorced.

30.0      Catholics

35.0      Church of Christ members who attended Harding or DLU.

40.0      Penny-costals and any Church of Christ member who ever moved during a hymn or cried during a sermon.

50.0      Hindus and Buddhists

65.0      Church of Christ members who attended Pepperdine or ACU.

70.0     Community Church Members.

80.0      Child Molesters, Muslims, Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, clappers.

85.3       Church of Christ members whose church changed the Biblical name to a non-scriptural name.

87.4      Rick Warren, Presbyterians, Churches that employ small groups.

90.0      Rubel Shelley, Murderers, Church of Christ members who think Instrumental Music is okay.

92.5       Church of Christ members who listen to Joel Osteen Sunday morning while getting ready.

95.0       Democrats and people who have never heard the gospel.

100.0    Max Lucado, Baptists, churches who use praise teams, NIV users

Assimilate or Leave

There are too many immigrants who come to America but really don’t want to be Americans.  They want to keep their foreign language and culture.  Why even come if you don’t want to be a true, 100% American?

Just consider how people name their children.  What kind of bizarre names are these?  They surely aren’t good ol’ USA names.

I don’t know how many Declans, Aidans, Liams, and Kierans are at my kid’s school.  If these parents don’t want to be American and give their kids good American names like Brian, or Conor, or Sean, maybe they should just go back across the ocean.

We must to take back America from these Druid-worshipping, skirt-wearing America-Haters!!!!!!!!

What is our country coming to? Are you with me??

God Bless America and Americans!!

Our Children are in Danger!!!

There is an epidemic of child molestation in our country and Christians are the problem.

The majority of crimes have been perpetrated against boys but girls aren’t safe either.

I do not want any church building constructed near my house and we need legislation to keep them at least a couple of miles from any school.

There is even a text in their Holy Book, a chapter in 1 Thessalonians that seems to imply incest.

They are dangerous.  All of them.  Any one of them might say nice things and do nice things, but it’s really just a cover until they can get alone with your children.

Their one purpose in this country is perversion.  They are coming for your little boys and girls.  We must do something.

I am personally going to vote for any politician and legislation that will restrict and contain the growth of this dangerous group of people.  How can we even call them American?!

I have also started a 503(c)3 organization called CAPWMC (Christians are perverts who molest children) dedicated to ridding our fine country of this problem.

Tea Party outside White House Gets Out of Control

A large Tea Party crowd had assembled outside the White House Saturday morning to have their voices heard.  By the time it ended the police, and parents had to be called.

25 Four and Five year old girls had gathered wearing feather boas, hats, sunglasses, and gloves for this Tea Party Protest.  Their tables were covered with plastic cups, plates, and food.

Their main concerns were how the AZ immigration laws would impact Dora the Explorer, the need for more flavors in children’s medicine, and the lack of actual tea in their plastic cups.

The crowd became so unruly at one point, bystanders called the police and Family Services.  The uproar apparently started over one girl who had a bigger Princess purse than the other girls and wouldn’t share.  The crying was so loud that the Secret Service even got involved, trying to calm the situation.

The White House has yet to release a statement concerning the incident.