I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause..

…then mom and dad were divorced within 4 months.

Santa was an okay Step-Dad. He did lay around the house alot drinking egg nogg the 363 or so days he didn’t work but I always got good presents for Christmas.

The worst part was that he kept custody of all the elves, all the step-siblings were annoying.

The other worst part was the time Dad and Ms. Claus spent a weekend together in Vegas, pretty much for revenge.

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Sweet Recent Tweets O’ Mine

Had cereal and cheese danish for dinner. Because I care about my body. Mainly the mouth/tongue/stomache part of my body.

Going up to a stranger who has an eye-patch and speaking “pirate” is apparently not “appropriate”

Had a Dr Pepper infused coffee yesterday. Let’s just say next time I would prefer them sequentially instead of concurrently

Confession: I was totally thinking about my team while my daughter was explaining a new variation to Uno she created

If the terrorists have taken down , I may become pro-terrorists

I am not so much concerned about my sin (sins) as I am my sinfulness.

Don’t judge me for eating BBQ chips at 9am, I’ve been awake for 3 hours, this is brunch

I love to eat/drink anything Mango flavored except an actual mango

Do you give Sonic carhops a tip? I mean, on roller skates, with physics or something, they barely have to work…

Fancy touch-screen soda machines are all fine & good until you get an error prompt and have to call the GeekSquad to get a Vanilla Dr Pepper

If anyone knows how to get a 10yo to stop talking about Legos, Star Wars, Lego Star Wars, and Lego Star Wars video games, pls text!!

A non-conformist is like a laid-back, apathetic rebel

If you are tempted to cuss because of tiny cardboard boxes, you might be a grocery stocker

Here! *tosses man card. I am uber-stoked about the Jamie Foxx/Cameron Diaz remake

Has an uglier man had sex with more women than Mick Jagger? And can we create a quotient?

If we have muffin tops for sale, why not Cinnamon Roll Hearts?

May I never have to choose between the middle-aged lady at work who calls me “doll” and the older lady at work who calls me “baby”

Can you really trust your reason/intellect that much more than your emotions?

Miley Cyrus’ New Album

Based on her meteoric rise in the public consciousness in 2013, Ms. Cyrus plans an cover album of pop hits from the 60s, 70s, and 80s.

Included on the album:

  • We can Twerk it out (Beatles)
  • She Twerks hard for the Money (Donna Summers)
  • Twerkin’ for the Weekend (Loverboy)
  • Whistle while you Twerk (Snow White)
  • Twerkin’ 9 to 5 (Dolly Parton)
  • Twerkin’ Class Hero (John Lennon)
  • I’ve been Twerkin’ on the Railroad (American Folk song)
  • Twerkin’ for a Livin’ (Huey Lewis and the News)

Silence Retreat-Day 6

I am learning something about fashion.  Monks have “Dress” robes for worship and special occasions, work robes for daily life and then “weekend-laying-around-the house-drinking beer-watching-TV” robes. Who knew?

The swimming robes are obviously one-piece and not real flattering.

On another fashion note, there seems to be some division among this group.  About half of them wear Tevas and the other half wear Birkenstocks.  Definitely some theological differences manifesting in footwear.

(First of all, these posts are jokes.  Secondly, they were scheduled before I left town, so I cannot reply or approve comments.  If your sense of humor can’t handle weird stuff, why are you here?)

Silence Retreat-Day 5

Wow.  This is getting hard!

Can’t remember the last time I went this long without TV, internet, Facebook, and Twitter, or talking to human beings.

I am trying to imagine what Alex Baze and Weird Al might be tweeting right now.

Have they selected a new Pope yet?  Have there been anymore storms?  Is there any Kardashian or Beyonce news?????

My mind is playing tricks on me after not talking and not enjoying media of any kind for  days.

I hate that I am missing the new episodes of Alf and MASH.

I hope my twins and our pet rabbit are okay back home. and what’s-her-name….

Did the Cubs really win the NL pennant or was that a hallucination? Maybe it was a prophetic vision……

Is it bad that I named my ink pens and created backstories for all 8 of them?

Did Benedict and Loyola and Randy have these problems?

(First of all, these posts are jokes.  Secondly, they were scheduled before I left town, so I cannot reply or approve comments.  If your sense of humor can’t handle weird stuff, why are you here?)